Eastenders and Katie and Peter - Stateside, 14 May 2009

I decided to start this blog because recently there have been occasions when I've watched something on television and been interested in discussing it, or commenting on it. I read lots of other reviews on certain programmes and wanted to join in the fun. Channel 4's Red Riding trilogy was one (great, loved it) and ITV's Compulsion another (terrible, laughed at it) but I've missed the boat on those so it starts here. What hadn't occurred to me is that if I'm actually going to update the blog reasonably often then I'll have to write about some stuff that doesn't make me desperate to discuss it. I realised this last night.

I couldn't face watching Extreme Male Beauty when I realised it involved penis enlargement because I'd just had sausages for my evening meal and was keen for them to remain in my stomach, and I couldn't watch Lie to Me because I don't have SKY (see "I don't get paid for this" in yesterday's post), so I settled for Eastenders and a new experience of watching Katie and Peter - Stateside.

Eastenders has just won Best Soap at the British Soap Awards, and all I can think to say about that is "why?" Last night, Ronnie moved in with Jack Branning, the father of her sister's baby. Granted, Jack is probably the most handsome man on Albert Square (and clearly there are no other men in London, or indeed the world, to consider) but unfortunately his appeal is somewhat stunted by the fact that he only has one facial expression, and that is Brooding. You could tell him anything, and his expression would remain static except perhaps if the news was very extreme, in which case he might briefly raise his eyebrows a millimetre or so. "Jack, the Vic is on fire!" Brooding. "Jack, you're the father of your girlfriend's sister's baby!" Brooding. "Jack, you're booked to appear on Extreme Male Beauty next week!" Eyebrow flicker followed by Brooding. It must surely be like having a conversation with the pub's famous eponymous bust, expect that she only does Stern. It has to be said though that Jack, despite his lack of facial muscle skill, did get the looks in the family. His brother Max, whilst having at least three facial expressions (Depressed, Guilty and Lying) got the hair loss and the creepy eyelashes. Max is trying to get back with his wife Tanya. Or is she his ex-wife? I forget whether they actually got divorced between her burying him alive in Epping Forest and then being imprisoned for running him over, even though she didn't. They split up, of course, when Max had an affair with Stacey, his son's wife. Tanya then had an affair with Max's brother, the aforementioned master of the facial manifestation, Jack. Lately Tanya's head has been turned by the new doctor in the Square, who wears an Alice band and presumably conducts his surgery whilst jogging, since that is all he ever seems to do. So to summarise, Max slept with his daughter-in-law, then Jack slept with his sister-in-law, then slept with his other sister-in-law (ish) and got her pregnant, even though she thought she was pregnant by Sean, who is Max's daughter-in-law's brother. So it's all quite neat really, in a 'keeping it in the family' kind of a way. In any event, Max and Tanya are apart at the moment with each finding it difficult to forget the other. The irony is that I suspect most viewers would like to be able to forget them both. Max and Tanya, Tanya and Max. Who cares?! Enough already! Den and Angie they are not. Even the reappearance of Nasty Nick Cotton hasn't been enough to reawaken my interest in this year's Best Soap. Last night he was menacing Billy Mitchell by trying to extort cups of tea (milk, two sugars) from him. It's hardly in the same league as murder and heroin addiction, Nick. Dum...dum dum dum.

Katie and Peter – Stateside was almost exactly as I’d expected it to be, except more so. I must confess that I did take tea breaks during transmission (well it was on for an hour, for heaven’s sake!) so I may have missed bits. But I doubt it because whenever I returned with a fresh cuppa, Peter Andre was still going on about having a bad hair day. Or looking Greek, even though he is. Or having a bad hair day. Or having a bad hair day. Or having a bad…well, you get the idea. I don’t know how this show usually works, but this episode followed Katie and Peter as they prepared to attended a party for the Oscars. Again, my first question was “why?” Why were Katie Price and Peter Andre invited to this party? What do they have to do with film, or acting, or Hollywood, or the Oscars? This may have been explained whilst I was boiling the kettle, so I apologise if that’s the case. Katie went shopping for a dress and found one she liked but which needed some alterations so her breasts weren’t on show, which seemed rather ironic. Perhaps she meant “at the beginning of the evening”? The footage ended as we waved Katie and Peter off to the party and resumed the next morning when we saw the couple telling their manager (or as of yesterday, Peter’s manager) all about it. The most amusing part was the anecdote about Victoria Beckham, and the way she walked past Katie, and the way Peter forced her to chat to him, and the way I realised that these people are like schoolchildren in the playground, but with more money. In light of Katie and Peter’s separation, announced this week, the section of the show in which Peter was in the studio writing a song about his stepson Harvey was actually quite poignant. The song was dreadful of course, but the sentiment touching. In summary, I think watching Katie and Peter was one of those experiences akin to eating Marmite. It was worth a try but on reflection I think once was enough.